I wish I was this funny.
I laughed for about five minutes straight when I read this. And I’m talking one of those shoulders shaking, head on the table, tears streaming, can’t breathe, feel-like-you-may-pee-your-pants laughs.
“You gotta nip this kind of thing in the bud, or you’re going to end up with a nasty vampire infestation. Vampire control is a serious problem that affects us all. I know a lot of people like to get their kids vampires for the holidays, but they get tired of them so fast, you know? “Daddy, the vampire is boring, he just sleeps all day, I want a werewolf.” So many vampires end up abandoned in shelters, the kind you see in those sad commercials with the Sarah McLachlan songs and the big sad eyes and the captions that say, “Am I going to get staked today?,” or just dumped out on the streets. And then you’ve just got an out-of-control feral vampire population and nobody wants that. Please, spay and neuter your vampires.”
Sadly, I did not write that. Oh how I wish I had written that. All credit goes to Cleolinda Jones, whose blog can be found here. This exerpt is from her hilarious recap/commentary on the 1845 penny dreadful serial Varney The Vampire, found here. (Also check out her Twilight recaps; trust me on that one.) Go, read, giggle. It’s good for you.