Shy Girl Blogs

Stream of consciousness

Posted on: 06/23/2009

I have all these thoughts knocking around inside my head. I swear they’re all connected somehow.

I don’t like change. I’m a planner, I like to know what I’m doing and where I’m going. I like knowing what to expect, what to do, how to do it. Things and people in my life are changing, and I don’t like it. I feel like I’m being left behind.

I’m a worrier. I worry about those I love. I want to take care of all of you, I want to fix what’s wrong, I want to keep you from harm. Helplessness doesn’t sit well with me.

I’ve battled shyness all my life. If you haven’t had to deal with that problem, you can’t know what it’s like. Sometimes it’s almost like I am physically incapable of speaking. New places, people, situations scare the bejeezus out of me. I get a sudden chill, break out in a cold sweat, my stomach drops to my feet, I feel like I can’t breathe. And since my tear ducts are hard-wired to react to any strong emotion – sad, happy, angry, frustrated, embarrassed – there will most likely be tears. I may manage to keep them in but trust me, they’re always right there under the surface.

In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 56:11)

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

I’ve thought for a few years now that I was dealing with some mild depression, but a friend has since told me that I’m not depressed since I can still feel. And … somehow that made me feel better. (HI BEA! Thank you *hugs*)

It’s part of my worrying nature to visualize the worst-case scenarios so that I’m prepared. Because of this, very few things could in reality be worse than what I imagined – it’s actually a good thing. Srs. If it’s driving you nuts, I’m sorry and I empathize – I drive me nuts, too. I’ll quit telling you that.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

Those of you who know me via Interwebz probably won’t believe me, but I have a terrible time making friends. Sometimes I look around and I’m amazed at the friends I have. How did this happen? How did I manage it?

I often wish I were different. I imagine myself the way I wish I was, and sometimes I can even be that version of me when I’m with my closest friends. Then reality comes crashing in and I’m reminded that I’m not that girl. I want to be. But I don’t know how.

I worry about being “good enough.”

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I want to have a servant’s heart and always think of others before myself, but sometimes I’m selfish. It makes me feel like a terrible person but at the same time – sometimes I want things too.

If my friends are changing and moving along but I’m not, how do I keep from being forgotten?

What will I do if I never get the deepest desires of my heart? I don’t think I’m asking for much, but what happens if I wait and wait and wait and it just … never comes?

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to experience, so many places I want to go and so many people I want to meet – yet I also like it here in my comfort zone. In order to do all these things I’ll have to make myself get decidedly uncomfortable, at least for a little while. I’m not sure I can do it.

With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

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2 Responses to "Stream of consciousness"

Wow…I totally understand what you are saying. I feel EXACTLY the same (not so much about the "being-shy-part" but oh well i still know what you mean). I'm quite in a hurry and I will write some more when i come back but for right now let me just tell you this (a quote by JD of "Scrubs"):Maybe it's about finding the little things that get you through the day. Whether it's the support of someone close to you…or letting yourself feel overwhelmed…if only for a moment. or being selfless every once in a while. i don't know. i guess in the end it is about surviving…any way you can.Things seldom work out the way you expect. sometimes, fate is on your side. Other times, well, you've kinda sealed your own fate, either way you have to trust that whatever is supposed to happen, will happen.i'll talk to you later…*hugs*I love you girl…you're not alone…

Hi lesley
I know this post is more than a few years old now but I’ve only recently discovered your blog and I wanted to let you know how much I feel I can relate to this post in particular. In fact I feel like I could have written it myself! It’s also a relief to know I’m not the only young woman in the world who suffers from this (sometimes debilitating) shyness which can definitely hold you back from meeting people or doing the things you’d like to be doing. I’m sure you’ve come a long way since 2009 as I hope I will have in a few years time. Anyways, God bless and never stop writing!

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