I can haz opinions nao.

Posted by: Leslie on: 03/26/2009

• In: my opinion | sparkly twinkie | twilight
• 1 Comment

Okay. I have now read all four Twilight books so many times I lost count months ago, and I have seen the movie a grand total of six times, so I feel like I am now prepared to form a legitimate opinion and articulate it. Therefore: my thoughts on Twilight. Let me show you them.

*CAUTION*

HERE BE SPOILERS.

If you are for some reason reading this and

you have not completed the books or seen the

movie and you want to, go no further.

I plan to discuss details. Consider yourself warned.

Where shall we start? Well with Edward Cullen, of course.

Let me just clear it all up for you: I am Team Edward. Wholeheartedly, absolutely, no question, 100%. From the first moment I Bella saw Edward in the cafeteria on my her first day at school, I was gone. He’s a beautiful man. Not only that, he’s smart, he’s musical, all that good stuff. My love for Edward never falters during Twilight. I know he has stalkerish tendencies … oiling her window so he can sneak in quietly at night, anyone? … and that really should squick me out, but it just doesn’t. I don’t know, y’all. New Moon, naturally, is another story altogether. (Ha, I’m punny.) I thought I was just going to lie down and die right along with Bella when he left. I was not very happy with that sparkly man, to say the least, but the end of the book totally made up for it with me. Breaking Dawn is, again, a horse of another color entirely. I love Edward there too, but it’s a different kind of love because Edward changes, as he should. My only problem with Edward crops up in Eclipse. I was just rereading it today and really thinking about it: y’all, Eclipse Edward is, quite frankly, somewhat a bag of douche. He’s protective of Bella, got it. She’s all fragile and stuff, yep. Really really godawful bad luck, okay. But hello y’all, he TAKES HER TRUCK APART so she can’t go to La Push and see Jacob. HELLO. He’s all, oh no you’re not going, cause I said so. If my boyfriend just told me what I was and was not allowed to do, oh HALE no. We are not having that. So I’m not terribly fond of Eclipse Edward, but I just can’t resist the sparkle. He wins me back. My love for Edward is strong and unyielding.

Since we’re here, let’s talk about Isabella Swan.

Okay. Bella and I have something of a love/hate/face!palm relationship. When I first read Twilight I was like, wow. Bella is me. This is amazing. She is awesome. But as time went on and Bella got whinier and whinier, I wanted more and more to slap her. So, I’m not terribly fond of Book Bella. She whines, as previously mentioned, she’s painfully Mary Sue, she takes fifteen years to say something that ought to take five minutes, her only “epiphany” in four whole books is “OMG! Edward, like, totally loves me!” Excuse me while I go bang my head against this cement block wall right here. Book Bella, we would not be friends in real life. Movie Bella, however, is kind of alright. If she whines, she keeps it to herself. She actually forms friendships with people. She remembers their names, for crying out loud! Movie Bella, you’re marginally more awesome than Book Bella. Keep that going.

Because he just can’t be avoided: Jacob Black.

Taylor Lautner, you are adorable and I kind of want to snuggle you. I’m so glad you’re going to be in New Moon. Really. Jacob, however … okay. In and of himself Jacob’s not so bad. I like his voice, particularly when we get his POV in Breaking Dawn. That boy is one big furry hoot. His feud with Rosalie will never, ever stop cracking my stuff UP. And during New Moon while we have a distinct lack of sparkle, Jake’s an okay dude. In all honesty, Bella’s such a train wreck he probably is wholly responsible for the teeny bit of sanity she manages to retain. I just … I don’t know. When Edward’s around I just can’t love Jacob. Besides that – come on, y’all, does anyone not want to just kick him during Eclipse? Srsly. His emo during Breaking Dawn makes me want to throw the book across the room. And imprinting on a fetus is beyond squicky, I don’t care who you are. I like how he is with Renesmee though – like how he doesn’t think about how he’ll be doing her in a few years or whatever. (SMeyer: THANK YOU FOR NOT DOING THAT. Really.) So Jacob, you’re an okay guy and you make New Moon bearable, but I do not love you.

We cannot go any farther without talking about my favorite character evar, Alice Cullen.

Alice, you rock my socks. Your awesome is palpable. If there isn’t more Alice in New Moon, someone at Summit is receving a strongly worded email. Srs bsns. My only argument with Alice, almost ever, is that I wish she had more time to be awesome. When she and Jasper defected in Breaking Dawn, oh my dear sweet lord, I thought the world was falling apart. But then she showed back up just in time to save the day, because she is awesome and that’s what awesome people do. Alice is mah girl.

Next up: the Cullen family.

Carlisle and Esme: I love you guys. I can see myself having a heart-to-heart with Esme, and if Carlisle was my doctor I would no longer dread appointments. Heh. Emmett: you crack me up, you big teddy bear you. If I had a big brother I’d want him to be like Emmett. Rosalie, you are a witch, but after Eclipse at least I get why, and you do gain a few awesome points in Breaking Dawn. Incidentally, “Rosalie” is my favorite name from the series, although I don’t really like the character. I could really see myself naming a daughter Rosalie. Jasper: you remain an enigma. Even after we get some back story on Jasper, I never feel like I really know him. He’s just sort of there, looking pained (hee) – although when everyone starts calling him “Jazz” in Breaking Dawn, I understand the pain. Movie Carlisle, I hope they do a better job on your hair and makeup in New Moon, sweetie. You look like an unnaturally pale Ken doll. But I love you anyway.

The movie was, in my opinion, well done. They stuck to the book pretty closely and I don’t think they changed anything they shouldn’t have. I don’t care over-much for Kristen Stewart, but the rest of the cast has my undying devotion. I lined up at midnight to get my DVD and it was SO worth it. (Just a note: if you have access to the making-of documentary, watch the part where Peter Facinelli is explaining the flashback sequence in which the Cullens first meet the Quileutes. You won’t be sorry, trust me.) I have to admit to being a bit nervous about New Moon because they’re putting it out so quickly and the new director and all of that. We shall just have to see. Summit and Chris Weitz: please don’t screw it up. And please, please let Alice steal a yellow Porsche. Thank you.

My favorite books in the series are Twilight and Breaking Dawn. So many people were in a royal snit over BD, but I just don’t get that. It has been described as the most awesome crackfic ever and I must agree with that assessment. New Moon is decidedly my least favorite because of, as previously mentioned, the lack of sparkle. The end of it though, on the way back from Volterra and Edward and Bella’s reunion the next day … *sigh* One of my most favorite moments of the entire series. Favorite Twilight moment: meadow scene. Duh. Favorite Breaking Dawn moment: when Edward hears Renesmee’s thoughts in utero. Favorite Eclipse moment: space heater. Hee. Eclipse as a whole, however, for me is just kind of … there. I like it okay but I don’t feel strongly about it like I do the other three. As mentioned earlier, the only time I have a real problem with Edward is in Eclipse. Maybe this has something to do with it? I don’t know.

I flatter myself that I am not your run-of-the-mill Twilighter; that is, a teenager who has never read anything and therefore has nothing to compare these books to. That being said, I realize that the writing, on a purely technical level, isn’t the best in the world. It gets pretty purple every now and then. The thing about it, though, is how it grabbed my attention immediately and never let go. I have thought and thought about it and I honestly can’t tell you why I connected with it so quickly and so firmly. These books are special in that they evoke such strong responses from everyone who comes in contact with them – either you hate them or you love them. I’ve never heard of anyone being indifferent. I don’t care who the author is or what the book is about, when it gets that kind of a response, you’ve done something right. For this, SMeyer, you get my applause.

So basically, the moral of my story is: you can make fun of me all you want if you’re so inclined (and I deal with it on a daily basis), but I’m a Twilighter and I’m not about to apologize!

(PS: Because she’s a drama llama, Teh Bri demands that I ETA that she is pretty much solely responsible for my Twilight problem addiction love affair. Happy nao?? Hehe.)