Well, it’s nearly 1 in the morning and I’m still awake. You know what that means.
I’ve been thinking too much.
Yesterday I turned 21. It was a pretty good day, classes hadn’t started yet so I didn’t have much to do and that was nice. But 21 … it’s got me thinking about the future again. The near future, the not-so-near future … you get the picture.
21 is kind of wigging me out. It’s such a milestone, people have been saying things like, “21! Wow! What are you going to do?” Well, I didn’t do much of anything special for my birthday itself, just hung out with my family. I haven’t really been all that anxious to do anything I needed to be legal to do anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal. But that last question, that “what are you going to do?” That’s the biggie.
Because I’m hyper-analytical, so I take it somewhere faaaar from where it began. What am I going to do? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? Hitting this milestone reminded me how close I am to graduating from college. That is just ridiculous to think of – I am getting ready to graduate from college. Not just like, sometime, but in the actual foreseeable future. It’s really happening.
That thought – that I’m going to graduate from college – quite frankly scares the shit out of me. Because ever since I was 4, I’ve been in school, in Williamsburg. I was in one building for kindergarten through 12th grade, and my college is just down the street from that. Now I’ll be going to grad school, away somewhere. Whether I stay somewhere close by or go halfway across the country, I’ll be away. I won’t know my way around campus, I won’t have known most of my teachers from childhood, I won’t have my parents nearby if I need anything. For the first time in my life, I’ll really be on my own.
Now this is exciting. I think about getting an apartment, maybe a pet, that kind of stuff. That will be fun. But it’s scary when I think about being on my own. I’ve never been on my own. Even here at college, I live in the dorms but I live with someone I’ve known since I was in middle school. My family is here, I can go home whenever I want. I know this town, I know these people. There is a security here I know I will miss when I leave. That’s what’s scary. I’ll really have to completely take care of myself. Part of me is ready to rise to the challenge, while part of me wants to stay here always, where it’s familiar and safe.
I don’t take change well anyway, of any kind. Tiny details just get me all messed up, so it’s really no wonder I’m all worried about this now, when it’s still over a year away. Welcome to the life of a compulsive worrier.
Anyway, that’s been on my mind tonight. I know it’s bound to only get worse over the next year, but maybe I can talk myself off the ledge when I start hyperventilating. I’ll welcome any help and/or chocolate anyone wants to send. 🙂